How to be un-healthy!

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So, you want to be fat, weak, and sick all the time? I can tell you how to do it. Basically it’s all about lifestyle choices.

First of all, you’ve got to stop exercising. Strength training builds muscle and increases your metabolism, so YOU BURN OFF all those precious calories you’re eating. Enjoying that cookie dough? It’ll be gone in no time if you do crossfit. Love eating pizza? Hot yoga will melt all that cheese topping away. Cardio exercises like kickboxing, dancing, and that spin class you love so much are helping you stay healthier by reducing your bad cholesterol levels and strengthening your cardiovascular system. I mean, who really wants to live past 50, right?

The second thing you’ve got to focus on in your quest for bad health is eating right… and eating left… and eating everything in between. Aim for foods that don’t require any preparation. Just open and eat. And let me tell you, if you can pronounce the stuff on the ingredients list, it’s too healthy. You want to eat all the stuff you CAN’T pronounce. That’s the stuff that is going to be hard on your liver and kidneys and load your body up with cancer causing free radicals. Also, the more sugar is in your diet, the better. Sugar increases any preexisting inflammatory responses, such as allergies, and is the preferred fuel for your cells. If sugar is constantly available, cells will burn it for energy instead of fat. After all, you worked hard to build up all that fat, right?

What do smoking, alcohol, and other drugs have in common? That’s right – they’re all HORRIBLE for your health. If you are serious about being fat, weak, and sick, then you have to make a commitment to at least a few bad habits. Don’t worry, though – your commitment doesn’t have to last long. Soon enough it will be an addiction that won’t require any extra effort.

One last thing I’m going to mention is sleep. Everyone has a certain amount of sleep that lets them perform their best, but who really wants to perform well? All that does is raise everyone’s expectations of you and then you HAVE to keep performing well or you’ll disappoint everyone (I may do another blog post later on other ways to disappoint people). You want to aim for 12-16 hours of sleep each day. If you’re not sleeping, make sure you stay sitting as much as possible. The goal here is to keep your calorie burning to a minimum. If you can make it to 600+ pounds, you may even get to be the star in an episode of one of those reality intervention shows on TV.

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